I really screwed myself this pay period. As usual I counted my chickens before they hatched. I vowed I would never let this happen again, but yet I keep doing it.

Ugh, when the money goes out the window so does the exercise and the healthy eating.

What to do, what to do

Things have not gone according to plan. Actually I think I am earning a "D", which means that I am not entirely failing. I've been doing the shakes on and off, along with the snack but I am yet to have a yummy salad. I've not exercised at all because I still haven't settled the gym thing. I know I can do other things than just the gym, but I'm fooling myself into thinking "it's gym or nothing else." I know it's a bad way of thinking but I think this way a lot of the time.

I'm trying to clear up the gym thing, I really want to go back. I even went gym shopping. Due to where I live I only have two options; Bally's or LA Fitness. I've been a member of Bally's before and didn't really care about their facilities. They are dirty and have a lot of equipment out of order. I do like the variety of classes they offer and the personal trainers. At LA Fitness, I like the facilities but dislike the classes and personal trainers*.

I really need to think what I want to do. I want the personal trainer from Bally's but if I sign up as a cash account I have to do a 3 year contract. Really don't want a contract with a gym, had bad experiences and just give me the hibby gybbies. Please take a lesson from me, and don't let your credit score go down the drain, it really limits your possibilities.

Oh my what to do, what to do.

Oh Happy Day

I gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night

that tonight's gonna be a good night

that tonight's gonna be a good night

Tonight’s the night night

Let’s live it up

I got my money

Let’s spend it up

I made the last truck payment tonight!

Back to the scale

I'll become a slave to the scale again. The scale doesn't always keep me on track but it does do some sort of impact on my psychie. I had been avoiding it for a while because I truly didn't want to see the damage I had done but I have homeless to feed. Had to suck it up.

I know I need to stick to one scale to keep an accurate account but I haven't been going to the Saturday workouts with the trainer and she doesn't always weight us. For now I am going to be using the scale at GNC.

I'm at 206.4, a loss of 4.9 pounds in the last 83 days*, it's loss but I was at 198 on the trainers scale. I'll go back on Friday to see if the eating plan is working this week.

*Last weigh in on the scale was 06/23/09.

Oh Happy Day

Not the start I wanted, but I still have my eye on the prize. I have great motivational incentive now :) My health should be the #1 motivation but so obvious it hasn't been.

I hit a bit of snag on my plans, the ex used to pay for my gym membership but he cancelled the credit card that was used for that, so I have to wait until Tuesday to get the membership back on track.

Stratigic Planning

I got an idea of something entirely farfetched and extreme even for me. I have sever doubts I can pull it off.

The idea started with the contemplation of drinking Slim-Fast again twice a day. Currently, I feel that I am too far off the eating plan that I need something strict to get control over my eating again. Since I have done the Slim-Fast with success in the past I know I can do this again.
The extreme part is that I want to exercise four hours a day. I know that there are people out there who are able to do this, but I’ve never done it. Even when I was going to the gym 3 hours a day. Do I have it me? What exercises would I do? How will I do it? Am I crazy for thinking this? Many self-doubt questions started to rise, and when self-doubt rises it’s so much easier to sink into them and give up before I even try.

This is my eating plan: 2 shakes a day, a yummy salad and 3 snack per day with mutational supplements i.e., vitamins, iron, omega 3’s and B12. I know I can do it for a month, but can I do it up to Thanksgiving? Only time will tell.

As for the exercise, that starts tomorrow. First goal, 4 hours a day for 1 week.
It all starts tomorrow … stay tune.

X's and O's

I’m working on a major to do list to get me back on track in every aspect. I need to get my family involved; I carry way too much on my plate and really don’t let my kids or force my kids to do around the house. It is so true that it is most helpful when you get the whole team involved.

Drowning

I’m starting to see the sign of the beginning of a depression mode. I’ve never been clinically been diagnosed, but I don’t know how else to call these episodes. I used to call these episodes funks. There have always been funks in my life where I just didn’t want to do anything, episodes where I just want to sleep through my life. It has always been much easier to retreat than acknowledge something was wrong.

Today, I wore dirty jeans to work. Realizing that my jeans were dirty snapped me into realizing I was sinking inside again. The dirty spots made me see the signs: reading compulsively, leaving a bunch of clutter piles at home, the fridge being empty, looking toward food for comfort, not caring what I eat, tears welling up at the strangest places.

I am so thankful that I can now recognize the signs and I can fight against the current that wants to take me down.